We're like a lot better than the average bears
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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