So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
