um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
