there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
