im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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