Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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