Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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