I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
