I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?