Where is the hickey?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
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I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
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She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.