Cold hands, warm shart.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
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my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
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Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all