I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Dating After Heartbreak
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.