you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
