My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
