You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
