at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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