walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
