he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
