What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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