she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
