Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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