Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
