Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
