in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
