I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
