Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
