I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
