I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
