My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
