I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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