i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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