how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
