I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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