its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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