if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
