remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
