if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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