we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
