You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
