I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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