So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
