dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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