my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
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Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
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I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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