I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Mom said you looked used
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
