Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
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we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
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the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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