Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
