i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
