I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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