Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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