at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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