Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
