be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
