Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
