he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
