White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
whose parrot is this?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My ass is underappreciated
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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