If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
