i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
