I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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