last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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