I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
