grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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