so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
