I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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