When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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