I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
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I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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